Real Modern Man

I’ll be there.

Where will you be?

Some women are direct.

They will tell you they want to meet you.

This doesn’t mean you respond with “Hey cool let’s jump in bed right now.”

It doesn’t – necessarily mean they want to sleep with you…

It does mean they want to find out whether they want you… or not.

And it does mean is that they’ve taken the initiative to get something they think they want.

When a woman sets herself up for rejection, your task as a man becomes much easier. In the Value-Attainability-Compliance (VAC) model for attraction, you don’t have to worry about value. If you had no value, she wouldn’t approach.

Don’t assume you know her motive or what value she finds! You can’t know, and she probably isn’t going to tell you all her reasons anyway. So don’t create awkward moments by assuming.

“Compliance” is a given as well. In this case, it may be more accurate to think of “agreeability” rather than “compliance.” A direct, forward woman is going to bridle at the notion of compliance anyway, but she has decided in advance to be agreeable.

That leaves “Attainability”…

Pay close attention:

A large number of men suffer from the syndrome of “any woman that wants me isn’t worth having.”

In fact, when the tables are turned and women approach, I’ve seen men act like little girls, checking in with their “bros” to assess the status implications for dating (or even sleeping with) a woman who doesn’t have a known (that means “high,” which really means “hot”) social status.

This is part of what women complain about when they say men only care about looks. Frankly, most men care as much about what other men think… as they do how a woman looks. (”I wouldn’t b*ng her with your d*ck, hyuck hyuck hyuck.”) This is absolutely true. Ladies, you can bank on it.

Strangely, the very best natural players I have ever known were quite democratic in their appreciation for women. A wide variety of women. Women in all colors, shapes and sizes. And it’s my motto that every woman sees herself, in some way, as a princess. And that’s not a bad thing. Find the princess. Talk to her.

So, what do you do when a woman approaches?

It’s easy. Do what you normally do.

If you like her, proceed. If she’s not attractive to you, politely decline or deflect her invitation.

Gents, the dance remains the same. None of the steps change. You still need discretion, sense of humor, to maintain your standards, everything. She has only asked for the courtesy of a dance. It’s up to you to know the steps.

* I’ve spent that last couple of years working on my personal approachability. Expect to read more about this grossly under-examined topic, and how you can develop personal approachability for yourself.

Here’s who you are:

1. You’re a divorced man.
2. Your dating skills suck.
3. You want to meet women for friendship or relationship or whatever.

Here’s what I have for you today:

Ok, here’s your strategic rules:

1. Know what you want with her: This is the most important rule of all. When you are meeting a woman to get to know her better, you are checking her out to see if she fits into your life. Presumably, you have a woman-shaped hole in your life, right? This is natural, if you didn’t you’d be either dead, or gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being dead, or gay, but there isn’t any shame in desiring a woman with whom to share your life.
2. Know your deal breakers: for me it’s women who smoke. They just don’t do it for me. Don’t know why, just how it is. I have other deal breakers, but that one’s pretty important, and pretty easy to find out.
3. Keep it light, no heavy stuff: No whining about your ex-girlfriend/wife/whatever. No complaining about the economy, bankers, Goldman Sachs, or whoever or whatever else is pissing you off royale at the moment.
4. Keep it under 1 hour: The less you say, the less you mess up.

Remember to smile.

Easy peasy.

So much for the strategy. I bet you want to know about tactics now (”But what do I talk about?”). Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. I just got back from an exceedingly pleasant hour myself… one of the topics we discussed was the basic equation of accounting. It was good. We’ll be seeing more of each other. If you really want to know about tactics, ask in the comments.

Take action now

This method is by-the-numbers guaranteed to work for older, divorced men. This isn’t some theoretical crapola from the armchair. I know that it works because it’s what I’ve done for years.

It’s really important to understand something else: What random women think about men—and how men meet women and lead relationships—is not very important.

What’s far more important is what works for you.

Real Modern Man is proud to present a 7 part series of articles on eye contact for Practical Female Psychology subscribers. Each article is short, just a couple of hundred words at most, and contains a practical tip or two that you can (and should) put into practice immediately.

The eye contact articles start 4 days after your subscription, and will arrive every 4 days after that for about a month.

Why eye contact?

Because it’s really critical stuff. It’s the basis for almost all body language communication, and it’s worth spending whatever time it takes to learn how to communicate effectively with your eyes. Great eye contact skills will help your all of your social skills!

How to get it: Sign up for the newsletter. You can use the box in the sidebar to the right, or the popup box below when it appears. Either one works just as well.

I was at a little cancer benefit last night at Dragon Bar on Broadway in San Fran, an invitation from Irina S who turned out to be the only person I knew there.

But I made some new friends, had a little epiphany, and learned something interesting.

My little epiphany: women will approach you… but they approach differently than men. At one point during the evening, a woman I had noticed earlier swung by a conversation I was having with my new friend Roderick, sort of shimmied herself as the music ramped up, and hovered around with an expectant look on her face. Right at arms reach. So I reached out and drew her into our conversation. Very nice.

It’s nice to make an explicit connection to hovering as a women’s approach technique.

Now, I mentioned I had noticed this woman earlier in the evening. I was curious about her because she projecting that sort of wanna-be euro look so common among San Fran posers. Or should I say “poseurs?” Posers seriously annoy me. More than a little. But she was doing an unusually good job at appearing European, and I’m getting a lot more mellow in my advanced senility, and she was cute in any case.

Turns out she’s French!

There’s a lesson here: First impressions are important. Equally important is your reaction to your first impression. Had I chosen to be snotty because of my first impression of her as yet another annoying poser, I wouldn’t have made a new friend.

I’ll have more to say about how women approach shortly… in my experience they will practically line up to meet you under the right circumstances.

By now you may have heard about Mr George Sodini, a computer programmer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania who was fed up with being called a “nice guy.”

And did something about it.

Unfortunately, for everyone involved, shooting up a health club was NOT the right thing to do.

Sodini left a blog as well, with all sorts of details. It was his diary. His thoughts. A cursory overview of just as little as the media will let us see shows us an angry, desperate man, seriously out of touch with himself, with women, and with modern society at large.

The saddest part of the whole episode is that it’s totally unnecessary for any man with an internet connection to wallow in this state. Sure, George Sodini most likely had an old-fashioned upbringing. He probably didn’t have a terribly happy childhood, and almost certainly his parents were a little out of whack Children learn their social skills somewhere after all, and the usual place is in their home. He certainly didn’t know how to handle women.

But none of that – excuse my language – bullshit matters.

He was a man. No matter what society allows for anyone else, Franco, Joseph and I believe the hallmark of a man is taking responsibility for his actions.

If you’re reading this article, and anything that George Sodini wrote resonates with you, you need to get your game on point, RIGHT NOW. I don’t give a shit whether you continue to read Real Modern Man or not. I don’t give a shit whether this post pisses you off. I don’t give a shit about your lame excuses about why you won’t Take. Action. Now. to get right with yourself and get right with women.

YOU have even less excuse than George Sodini: you’ve been exposed to the technology you need to succeed with women.

YOU have the material you need to succeed. If not here on Real Modern Man, then just do a damn Google search on “seduction” or something. There’s thousands of web pages… more than you could ever read. Hundreds of products… more than you could ever need.

Go. Do it now. Get it together. No excuses.

For the rest of you gentlemen, which I hope and trust is the vast majority of you, we’ll be back to our (ir)regularly scheduled programming ricky tic.

And ladies: don’t tell a man he’s a “nice guy.” Tell him he needs to brush his teeth, or use a breath mint, or trim his nose hairs, or wear more fashionable shoes, or whatever. When you tell a man he’s a “nice guy” or a “good man” you’re not thinking of him at all. You’re selfishly brushing him off because you don’t have the courage or manners to politely and discreetly tell him the truth. And if you just can’t summon the courage, don’t say anything at all.

Here’s a cool NY Times article I got from my former girlfriend DZ. At this very moment, I feel the this article is the absolute best article I’ve ever read in the mainstream media about any relationship, either married or similarly committed: Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear. When Laura Munson’s husband told her: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” she refused to cower in insecurity, shame and emotional devastation:

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

I was prepared to dislike this article intensely, because it felt like it was setting up to be yet another man-bashing diatribe about how great women are and how much men suck. “Everyone knows” that “men suck in relationships,” even though the majority of breakups are instigated by women.

But no, Mrs. Munson loves her husband deeply and was prepared to go the distance with him.

Read what she does: as long as he isn’t materially destroying his family, she stands out of his way and lets him deal with himself as best he can. On his own time line. In his own way. Without prying. Without accountability.

I’m sure she was curious. She had to have been. I’m sure her imagination ran wild, she even hints at it: drugs, women… but she bridles herself. She lets the situation play out.

Who knows? Maybe Mr. Munson went out and partied for a couple of months. Found some loose women. Whatever.

As it turns out, he was sensible enough NOT to let whatever he was “up to” materially affect his family… and when he came back… he was fully present.

So what do think?

Is this future of modern love? Or is this a return to traditional values?

I think it’s both.

In today’s society, temptation surrounds us in ways we are genetically barely able to cope with. But our times aren’t unique. Different eras of history, even in Western Culture, have had radically different mores concerning men and women in marriage and “related” relationships. In fact, the Victorian era morality still prevalent at least in the USA is historically aberrant!

So yes, I believe it represents an excellent future for modern love… and return to much more sensible values than promulgated by Victorian moralists.

Here’s a little something I ran across a while back, which makes absolutely no sense to me at all: Womenomics: Write Your Own Rules for Success”

This collaboration between broadcasting powerhouses Shipman and Kay gives career women explicit permission to demand the balance that’s been missing in their lives. The authors assert that after decades of trying to outdo men or fighting the Mommy Wars in the office trenches of the 1980s and 1990s, women have gained enough corporate clout to start changing the workplace to suit their needs. Shipman and Kay review the depth of women’s influence as consumers and earners, maintaining that their power gives them the right and the ability to ask for flexibility in their work lives, to negotiate assertively and effectively, to say no and to give up the guilt associated with getting their needs met. Through Shipman and Kay’s own stories of struggling with demanding work and home lives and anecdotes from other working mothers, the authors make a convincing argument that with some mental and emotional effort, women can create their ideal work and home lives. Filled with pragmatic and optimistic steps, this book will inspire readers to set in motion a flexibility-driven business revolution that can benefit all women and men, families and workforces.

The problem is this…

While women may feel empowered to demand more benefits out of the workplace… more money, better benefits, fewer hours… (This is great! I’d like to do that too!)

…there is going to be someone else, man or woman, that would be grateful to have that same job. For less money. For less benefits. Working more hours.

Possibly in a different country.

Here’s the deal: I’m going to bust my tail no matter what. If that means working overtime, I’ve done it in the past and I’ll do it in the future.

We’ve been in a recession since 2007. 500,000 per month are losing their jobs. What am I missing here?