Real Modern Man

Michelle, posting via San Francisco Chronicle online edition asserts

While I can’t claim to speak for all older women, I’m guessing I’m not the only one who, given a free hour, would choose a book over a boy toy, ten times out of ten.

Really.

She sounds pretty sure of herself: “Ten times out of ten.”

And that “While I can’t claim…” yeah, right. You and I both know that’s exactly what she’s claiming.

Unfortunately for her, she isn’t a cougar, and her “debunking of myths” is neither a debunk nor is it a myth.

I’ll go head to head with anyone, man or woman, of any age, that wants to tell me about older women. If there is any one thing I DO know about… it’s older women. Starting as a high school junior dating a high school senior… and on from there.

Gents, here’s the deal: if you’re a younger man, and an older woman approaches you in a friendly way, shut your mouth and let nature takes it’s course. She might really only want directions to the Starbucks… but she might just be delighted for you to show her the way… You literally need do nothing more than not eff it up.

For the young man in question… kudos for him for stepping up! I don’t blame him at all for avoiding further contact, given the relish with which she tooled him. Later, as he gets his game in gear, he’ll know how to say something like “Ah… the smell of poop in the morning. So refreshing!” Then his “cheesy pickup line” becomes a “funny icebreaker.”

There’s lots of ways to “get the girl.” You can go fast, you can go slow, you can go either direct, or indirect, or collect her into your social circle.

In all cases, the girl isn’t “yours” until she feels she yours. Then she will tell everyone – including you – that she’s your girl.

Your opinion has nothing to do with it.

Here’s the deal: if you’re more comfortable with long game or indirect or slow seduction, then by all means, go for it! .

But…

Be aware you are screening out women who want to be swept off their feet!

If another man steps up and takes her… you never had her, so you haven’t lost her.

If you are NOT comfortable sweeping women off their feet, trying to tool another man for “taking your woman” exposes your game as weak. Inner game weak. Don’t do it.

If you feel envy or jealousy about it, step up your game. There’s a lot of women out there fantasizing about being swept off their feet. Go get some of them. Do it now.

That’s all.

C_____ (a woman) sent me an interesting question on Facebook a while back: “How to date if you’re used to be married?”

First, being married should NOT preclude dating.

I tell guys that just because they’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to be seduced and go on dates. Then I ask him whether being in a relationship means he doesn’t want anymore blowjobs. That usually gets the point across pretty quick.

Now, you’re single again and have no idea “how to date.”

It’s actually really easy, provided you think about it the right way:

• Be social
• Have fun
• Know exactly what you want

Be social

Dating is an intrinsically social activity. It’s partly about seeing and being seen. If you have developed the habit of hanging around the house being all depressed, snap out of it.

The cool thing about “being social” is that it’s the most “socially acceptable” way to meet people for dating. Signing up for adult education classes, going on weekend outings, joining a singles club… all these are highly approved activities. If you are just coming out of a marriage or other long term relationship, this is an excellent way to start flexing your social muscles again.

In the beginning, it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as your getting out of the house and having fun!

Have fun

Having fun on a date means choosing to find the humor in any situation, no matter how absurd, ridiculous, uncomfortable or awkward.

If you do something stupid, laugh at yourself then forget about it. If you’re laughing and having fun she will have fun too. On the contrary, if you bungle it up and get all insecure about it, you’re going to make her feel insecure as well. Don’t do that.

If she does something accidentally idiotic, it means she is attracted to you. Maybe she parked the care over a storm drain and dropped her keys in it (never, ever park your car over a storm drain). Give her a little sympathy and gently tease her: “Do you always drop your keys down the storm drain when you’re attracted to guys?” Then get a pizza delivered to you right there on the curb while you’re waiting for the tow truck. Give the tow truck driver a slice of pizza too.

Know what you want

For example, men, if you want to date a hot actress, it’s simple: move to Malibu. Just move to Malibu and be normal. That’s really all there is to it.

Women, same advice applies: if there’s no men of your particular type where you live: move.

For both men and women, if you aren’t willing to go for what you really want, then settle and be satisfied with it. Just remember, if you choose to settle, that’s not your partners fault! So don’t take your lack of ambition out on your partner.

Knowing what you want doesn’t mean throwing away meaningful, interesting or emotionally satisfying relationships that aren’t precisely what you’re looking for. Perhaps you’re a woman looking for a long term commitment, and you’re on a date with an attractive player… what do you do? It’s so tempting to go for the moment, but if you have trouble guarding your heart, you need to temper your action. On the other hand, if you’re desperately in need of… satisfaction… right now, that sensitive man across the table with puppy dog eyes is liable to latch on a little too tight.

For you men out there, you go for for what you want. Period. If you want to date around casually, it’s very easy to subcommunicate this to most women… and it’s your measure as a man to stand your ground when pressed. I guarantee that when you firmly, yet pleasantly inform a demanding woman that you prefer to conduct your dating life according to your desire and not hers, your ability with women will take a HUGE jump.

Conversely, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you need to have a very clear picture of what you’re looking for, and make sure that any woman you date sees your picture just as clearly. If you need to write your criteria out on paper and post it to your bathroom mirror, you do that.

And leave it up there.

Don’t worry about any woman that sees it… she’ll get the message loud and clear that you know what you want and you’re taking action, right now. And handling any resulting drama will be good for you.

A woman once told me:

“My type of guy is tall, dark and handsome, and has good taste in shoes. Unless I’m in love. Then all bets are off.”

A certain set of women will insist that if man needs to know about women, all he needs to do is ask a woman.

In general, this is bull.

Very, very few women are going to spill the beans on their seduction keys. And most women have them. Most women have some certain narrow set of criteria that makes them absolutely weak in the knees, totally vulnerable to being swept off their feet.

Why should they tell you this?

They shouldn’t.

It’s part of the mystery.

See, you can know everything there is to know about body language, courtship and seduction, social dynamics and female psychology, but none of your knowledge in general tells you anything specific about the woman facing you across the table. To learn about her, you have to be with her. Sure, your knowledge helps, and the more the better to be sure, but you as a man still have to discover her, personally, as a woman.

General knowledge about seduction does not, cannot, replace specific experience with a real, live, breathing and feeling woman by your side. (This is part of why “pick up lines” don’t work in general.)

And this is where the mystery really lives: all the “knowledge” you have about seduction, dating, courtship is nothing compared to unlocking the mystery of the woman in front of you. She will be unique. Your knowledge simply helps you discover who she is.

Now, don’t get me wrong here… some women (not all) will tell you, in detail, exactly how to court them. Other women will give you broad hints (which they consider exact details). But courtship is total supplication of the male to the female. He sells his qualities, she chooses to buy or not. The choice for the interaction… is hers and hers alone. This is something you should remember as a man if you find yourself courting a woman: make sure you’re courting the right woman. You might catch her!

However, a women will tell you her courtship details only under one of two conditions:

1. She is attracted to you anyway.
2. She wants something from you.

If she doesn’t want you courting her… she will tell you with a great degree of conviction to “Just be yourself.” Which —strangely enough — is the only advice you really need, but being yourself is much easier said than done.

Also, as I plan to discuss in an upcoming article, many women don’t really know that much more about dating than men do… but society forces them into a more passive role, taking or leaving rather than “getting.” So a woman might not really know what she wants… but she’ll know what she likes when she feels it!

An interesting article on Race Depriest (from The Art of Charm) written by Diana Spechler just showed up on Nerve. Here’s a snippet from the last paragraph or so:

“But simultaneously, I’m starting to think there’s a down side to cracking the mystery of social dynamics, to reading body language as easily as other people read the word “EXIT,” glowing red in the dark of a public building. You watch someone talk and know when she’s lying; you watch someone move and know what she’s thinking. If you have a Rosetta Stone for every interaction, you can never again think, This is magical, or, I’m falling so hard, or, Only you can make me feel this way. And without those sensations, without the willingness to relinquish control, without the belief (no matter how juvenile) that chemistry is partly magic, how can you ever fall in love? How can you lose yourself in a moment?” From the Nerve article No More Games by Diana Spechler

These kinds of articles were dense the year after Neil Strauss published “The Game” (which I haven’t yet read by the way).

The subtext to all of them is “Oh my God! These guys are on to us! *Panic* But they’re all creeps! They have to be creeps.” Yeah, whatever.

But the piece itself is very good. The author, Diana Spechler, is brutally honest with herself and with us, her readers, and that’s very refreshing.

Seriously, her worries shouldn’t be an issue. I understand her point of view and her concern, and I hope she gets curious enough to dig a lot deeper. She will find that the true magic of seduction is that the “knowing” about seduction doesn’t reduce the pleasure, either when seducing… or being seduced. It enhances it. Really.

Your knowledge will enhance your pleasure.

Read Zig Ziglar “Secrets of Closing the Sale” to get an appreciation from an astounding salesman… who *loved* to be sold! Yep. A man who knew as much about selling as any man alive, and who throughly appreciated being sold.

Here’s a related example. As you know, Joseph, Franco and I assert that manipulation is a normal and natural behavior for many women, and that we believe there’s good manipulation and bad manipulation (Chapter 13). Once you as a man truly understand “good” manipulation, you will develop a sincere appreciation for this most feminine of arts. Instead of resenting being manipulated, you are free to exercise your choice to accept it or lead her in a different direction.

Ok, gotta go… my girl DZ has finagled me into hanging out for dim sum with her mom at Macau Cafe (Pacific East Mall). Not a problem, I have the rest of her day planned out for my own semi-nefarious purposes.

I subscribe to a fair number of seduction newsletters, some of which I occasionally read. One morning’s newsletter from Grant Adams of “Net2Bed” opens with an email from a woman describing how she got “played” by a guy using Grant’s material. She concludes with the observation that as much as it stung her personally, most guys were pretty good guys overall, and learning Grant’s material would do them a world of good. Grant closes with an appeal to “date responsibly.”

What does it mean to date responsibly?

Be authentic

Most importantly: be open to the man you really are. If you’re a slimy, shiftless scumbag, dude, there are chicks out there for you! Just be open to it, be authentic! Conversely, if you’re a pretty decent guy, no need to pose like a tough guy. There are chicks out there way tougher than you, and they will puncture your pose like a cheap condom.

Being authentic means aligning your internal perception of yourself with how people perceive you externally. This is easier said than done, because it’s hard to see ourselves as other people see us. One way to achieve this congruency is to hold a clear vision of who you think you are, and act accordingly. For example, if you style yourself after Hef, it would be a good idea to be an outgoing kind of guy who entertains regularly and manages at least some sort of harem.

Leave them better than you found them

Once a man develops some skill women, that is, once he learns to be attractive and form intimate emotional connections with women, he finds that “getting laid” isn’t the issue. The issue is what to do with all the women that want to be in his life. There is a creed in the seduction community attributed to Ross Jeffries: “Leave them better than you found them.” I could write a book on this theme, it’s that important.

Occasionally, I run across posts from a men who feel “disrespected” by their girlfriends. In this case, the man was following his girlfriend around, and becoming increasingly agitated that she wasn’t paying attention to him:

The worst example was one time when she was like “Let’s go get ice cream at XXXX”. Turns out her coworker works there and that’s why she wanted to go. They ended up gossiping at the counter for 45 minutes while I just stood there occasionally adding comments.

My reply follows.

First point: you chose to stand there. She didn’t hold a gun to your head. You could have easily chosen to leave.

Now, rich description: “Yes, ice cream. I’m having the strawberry today. Something about the color red moves me. Actually, I saw this woman today. I think she was a model, because of the way she walked, like she was on the runway, in her tight knee length skirt, it was blood red. And wool, definitely. Very rich. I wonder what she is doing here in our town. Perhaps we will see her at the ice cream parlor. I will introduce you to her.”

In my experience, most emotionally healthy, well-socialized women *love* these kinds of little fantasy stories. But you can’t go from 0 to 60 all at once. Start slowly. Just a sentence or two with emotionally interesting content.

I like adding lots of nice touch when I tell these little stories. Makes her body feel good, to go along with the images in her mind’s eye. This is not a “technique,” by the way. It’s a gift of your attention to appreciate her femininity. If you try to “manipulate” her emotions in this way, you better have bulletproof frame, including the ability to stand your ground as a manipulator. But that’s so unnecessary. Just choose women choosing you and appreciate them for the unique charm they bring into your life.

Rich descriptions are really just free association, stream of consciousness descriptions of emotional states. The words used in rich descriptions are to create the emotional state in you, whence you are much better able to share this emotion with the woman.

Another other thing you can do is simply be friendly to everyone you meet, especially when you are out with her. Men, women, children, dogs, cats, etc. Don’t approach in supplication to “prove” something to your girlfriend, simply be open to being approached. Animals and children are excellent gauges. They will dismiss with contempt anyone supplicating to them, regardless of their social rank. And children and animals will approach, in time, anyone who is cool, calm, mellow and indifferent, again, regardless of social rank. Adults are similar. George Clooney is beloved because he has no more respect for social rank than to treat people, all people, like fundamentally decent human beings. Be George.

When you’re standing in line (queued up), open the person next to you. Doesn’t matter who they are. Talk about the weather. Anything. Doesn’t matter. In fact, subject matter, words, topic of conversation is irrelevant to the underlying _social_ charge. With women, this social charge can be sexual. With men it can be instant social respect: game peeps game. You and your peers will know each other instantly. When you’re making an instant friendship with the coolest guy in a place, or better, when he is working for it with you, that’s demonstration in a big way.

When you have this kind of social ability, when you wander off because your girlfriend is ignoring you, she’ll be running after you shortly to find out where you’re going, what you’re doing, and who you’re talking to.

By the way, bad boys don’t explain. Don’t tell her you’re wandering off. Just do it. In most situations like yours, explanation *is* supplication. It shouldn’t be. Explanation should be simple common courtesy. But, it’s not, so deal with it.

Revisiting the ice cream parlor… whenever you find yourself in a position where you do NOT act because of potential drama, you MUST act. In those situation, relish the drama. Spoil for the fight if that’s what it comes down to. I get very little drama in my relationship because I 1. don’t induce it unnecessarily, and 2. will do step up for the emotional throw down, no problem.

Your issue here is you. Not her. She may not be the girl for you, but you don’t have to dump her, or cause drama. You just do what you want to do, she will either get with the program, or not. No hard feelings.

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NOTE: First published on Applied Romance. Updated for publication on Real Modern Man.

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In my experience, men who take the hard road to mastery with women represent a very small percentage of men. Typically, these men, including most of you reading these words, are on average higher than normal intelligence, with higher than average education. A very large number of you are technically proficient in one or more areas of high technology.

So how do you share your world, your passions with the women in your life? In short, what’s the best way to show off?

How most men show off

Most men seek approval or understanding. They subcommunicate “I hope you think I’m smart.” This is a total buzzkill for the woman. Sure, your latest advance in first person shooter technoology might set the gaming world on it’s ear. But unless your woman is a coder or a mathematician, she simply is not going to appreciate the material. All that logic, that abstraction and precision. So cold. So boring. So don’t do it.

And if you are looking for her approval for your cleverness (which always feels good), how is she supposed to approve of something she doesn’t understand?

In fact, you don’t need her approval.

But you do need to include her. And here’s how.

Share your passion with her instead

When you call your woman over to brag about how well you put that Holley 4 barrel carburetor back together (”Look, only 3 pieces left over!”), don’t share facts, share emotions.

Tell her how great it feels when you finally red point that 5.11c overhang.

Use Franco’s Rich Descriptions to paint a vivid picture in her mind, a detailed picture of emotional and physical sensation.

Bring her in close.

While you are describing your achievement, touch her hands. Stroke her hair. Kiss her on the cheek. Hug her.

Let her feel your good feelings in her body.

There is no need for her to intellectually understand your effort. If she feels the need for intellectual understanding, she is likely smart enough to figure it out on her own, without your help. But she will appreciate that what you do is important to you, that it makes you happy, and that you share that happiness with her. And that’s the key: when you’re happy, she’ll be happy.