Real Modern Man

There used to be a time when I would see a cute chick and think, “it would be nice to meet her!” But then I would second guess myself and think, “but wait, what if someone even better comes along?” It seems ridiculous now, in retrospect. I was always the perfectionist: I felt I should aim ever higher. Now I know better. I talk to all women! And I find that a lot of them are incredible in many different ways that I never would have expected. What’s more, just talking to a woman doesn’t mean that I’m somehow sacrificing my own freedom. I can meet as many women as I like!

Not only do most men believe that they can only be in a relationship with one woman at a time (I don’t subscribe to this belief myself), but many feel that they can only pursue one woman at a time. Partly it’s because society brands any man who loves talking to women as a “player”. And partly it’s because we’re raised to believe that there’s “one special woman” out there for us. The fact is, if there is that special girl, we’re ten times more likely to meet her if we meet ten times as many women. It’s statistics.

Movies may teach us that love is a matter of fate. But why sit around your house, playing video games, waiting for “fate” to drop a woman in your lap, when you can go out and start meeting many beautiful and incredible women immediately? And you know, for those of you who are nervous about approaching an attractive stranger, it’s less nerve-wracking when you know that there’s ten more women just behind her, eager to meet you. Not every woman is a perfect match. But contrary to what the movies may teach, the fastest way to find a great match is to quickly sift through all the not-so-great matches (I won’t say “poor matches”, because every woman can offer you something wonderful if you let her).

My life is full of fantastic women: Acquaintances, friends, lovers. None of them judge me for being the man that I am. In fact, they appreciate that I have so many women in my life, because they know that they can be utterly comfortable with me. I don’t see my relationships with women as an all-or-nothing venture. And by dropping my expectations of them, I find I have a lot more women choosing to be in my life.

~Tubarao

Some women are direct.

They will tell you they want to meet you.

This doesn’t mean you respond with “Hey cool let’s jump in bed right now.”

It doesn’t – necessarily mean they want to sleep with you…

It does mean they want to find out whether they want you… or not.

And it does mean is that they’ve taken the initiative to get something they think they want.

When a woman sets herself up for rejection, your task as a man becomes much easier. In the Value-Attainability-Compliance (VAC) model for attraction, you don’t have to worry about value. If you had no value, she wouldn’t approach.

Don’t assume you know her motive or what value she finds! You can’t know, and she probably isn’t going to tell you all her reasons anyway. So don’t create awkward moments by assuming.

“Compliance” is a given as well. In this case, it may be more accurate to think of “agreeability” rather than “compliance.” A direct, forward woman is going to bridle at the notion of compliance anyway, but she has decided in advance to be agreeable.

That leaves “Attainability”…

Pay close attention:

A large number of men suffer from the syndrome of “any woman that wants me isn’t worth having.”

In fact, when the tables are turned and women approach, I’ve seen men act like little girls, checking in with their “bros” to assess the status implications for dating (or even sleeping with) a woman who doesn’t have a known (that means “high,” which really means “hot”) social status.

This is part of what women complain about when they say men only care about looks. Frankly, most men care as much about what other men think… as they do how a woman looks. (”I wouldn’t b*ng her with your d*ck, hyuck hyuck hyuck.”) This is absolutely true. Ladies, you can bank on it.

Strangely, the very best natural players I have ever known were quite democratic in their appreciation for women. A wide variety of women. Women in all colors, shapes and sizes. And it’s my motto that every woman sees herself, in some way, as a princess. And that’s not a bad thing. Find the princess. Talk to her.

So, what do you do when a woman approaches?

It’s easy. Do what you normally do.

If you like her, proceed. If she’s not attractive to you, politely decline or deflect her invitation.

Gents, the dance remains the same. None of the steps change. You still need discretion, sense of humor, to maintain your standards, everything. She has only asked for the courtesy of a dance. It’s up to you to know the steps.

* I’ve spent that last couple of years working on my personal approachability. Expect to read more about this grossly under-examined topic, and how you can develop personal approachability for yourself.

Here’s who you are:

1. You’re a divorced man.
2. Your dating skills suck.
3. You want to meet women for friendship or relationship or whatever.

Here’s what I have for you today:

Ok, here’s your strategic rules:

1. Know what you want with her: This is the most important rule of all. When you are meeting a woman to get to know her better, you are checking her out to see if she fits into your life. Presumably, you have a woman-shaped hole in your life, right? This is natural, if you didn’t you’d be either dead, or gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being dead, or gay, but there isn’t any shame in desiring a woman with whom to share your life.
2. Know your deal breakers: for me it’s women who smoke. They just don’t do it for me. Don’t know why, just how it is. I have other deal breakers, but that one’s pretty important, and pretty easy to find out.
3. Keep it light, no heavy stuff: No whining about your ex-girlfriend/wife/whatever. No complaining about the economy, bankers, Goldman Sachs, or whoever or whatever else is pissing you off royale at the moment.
4. Keep it under 1 hour: The less you say, the less you mess up.

Remember to smile.

Easy peasy.

So much for the strategy. I bet you want to know about tactics now (”But what do I talk about?”). Frankly, it doesn’t really matter. I just got back from an exceedingly pleasant hour myself… one of the topics we discussed was the basic equation of accounting. It was good. We’ll be seeing more of each other. If you really want to know about tactics, ask in the comments.

Take action now

This method is by-the-numbers guaranteed to work for older, divorced men. This isn’t some theoretical crapola from the armchair. I know that it works because it’s what I’ve done for years.

It’s really important to understand something else: What random women think about men—and how men meet women and lead relationships—is not very important.

What’s far more important is what works for you.

Michelle, posting via San Francisco Chronicle online edition asserts

While I can’t claim to speak for all older women, I’m guessing I’m not the only one who, given a free hour, would choose a book over a boy toy, ten times out of ten.

Really.

She sounds pretty sure of herself: “Ten times out of ten.”

And that “While I can’t claim…” yeah, right. You and I both know that’s exactly what she’s claiming.

Unfortunately for her, she isn’t a cougar, and her “debunking of myths” is neither a debunk nor is it a myth.

I’ll go head to head with anyone, man or woman, of any age, that wants to tell me about older women. If there is any one thing I DO know about… it’s older women. Starting as a high school junior dating a high school senior… and on from there.

Gents, here’s the deal: if you’re a younger man, and an older woman approaches you in a friendly way, shut your mouth and let nature takes it’s course. She might really only want directions to the Starbucks… but she might just be delighted for you to show her the way… You literally need do nothing more than not eff it up.

For the young man in question… kudos for him for stepping up! I don’t blame him at all for avoiding further contact, given the relish with which she tooled him. Later, as he gets his game in gear, he’ll know how to say something like “Ah… the smell of poop in the morning. So refreshing!” Then his “cheesy pickup line” becomes a “funny icebreaker.”

C_____ (a woman) sent me an interesting question on Facebook a while back: “How to date if you’re used to be married?”

First, being married should NOT preclude dating.

I tell guys that just because they’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to be seduced and go on dates. Then I ask him whether being in a relationship means he doesn’t want anymore blowjobs. That usually gets the point across pretty quick.

Now, you’re single again and have no idea “how to date.”

It’s actually really easy, provided you think about it the right way:

• Be social
• Have fun
• Know exactly what you want

Be social

Dating is an intrinsically social activity. It’s partly about seeing and being seen. If you have developed the habit of hanging around the house being all depressed, snap out of it.

The cool thing about “being social” is that it’s the most “socially acceptable” way to meet people for dating. Signing up for adult education classes, going on weekend outings, joining a singles club… all these are highly approved activities. If you are just coming out of a marriage or other long term relationship, this is an excellent way to start flexing your social muscles again.

In the beginning, it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as your getting out of the house and having fun!

Have fun

Having fun on a date means choosing to find the humor in any situation, no matter how absurd, ridiculous, uncomfortable or awkward.

If you do something stupid, laugh at yourself then forget about it. If you’re laughing and having fun she will have fun too. On the contrary, if you bungle it up and get all insecure about it, you’re going to make her feel insecure as well. Don’t do that.

If she does something accidentally idiotic, it means she is attracted to you. Maybe she parked the care over a storm drain and dropped her keys in it (never, ever park your car over a storm drain). Give her a little sympathy and gently tease her: “Do you always drop your keys down the storm drain when you’re attracted to guys?” Then get a pizza delivered to you right there on the curb while you’re waiting for the tow truck. Give the tow truck driver a slice of pizza too.

Know what you want

For example, men, if you want to date a hot actress, it’s simple: move to Malibu. Just move to Malibu and be normal. That’s really all there is to it.

Women, same advice applies: if there’s no men of your particular type where you live: move.

For both men and women, if you aren’t willing to go for what you really want, then settle and be satisfied with it. Just remember, if you choose to settle, that’s not your partners fault! So don’t take your lack of ambition out on your partner.

Knowing what you want doesn’t mean throwing away meaningful, interesting or emotionally satisfying relationships that aren’t precisely what you’re looking for. Perhaps you’re a woman looking for a long term commitment, and you’re on a date with an attractive player… what do you do? It’s so tempting to go for the moment, but if you have trouble guarding your heart, you need to temper your action. On the other hand, if you’re desperately in need of… satisfaction… right now, that sensitive man across the table with puppy dog eyes is liable to latch on a little too tight.

For you men out there, you go for for what you want. Period. If you want to date around casually, it’s very easy to subcommunicate this to most women… and it’s your measure as a man to stand your ground when pressed. I guarantee that when you firmly, yet pleasantly inform a demanding woman that you prefer to conduct your dating life according to your desire and not hers, your ability with women will take a HUGE jump.

Conversely, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you need to have a very clear picture of what you’re looking for, and make sure that any woman you date sees your picture just as clearly. If you need to write your criteria out on paper and post it to your bathroom mirror, you do that.

And leave it up there.

Don’t worry about any woman that sees it… she’ll get the message loud and clear that you know what you want and you’re taking action, right now. And handling any resulting drama will be good for you.

I subscribe to a fair number of seduction newsletters, some of which I occasionally read. One morning’s newsletter from Grant Adams of “Net2Bed” opens with an email from a woman describing how she got “played” by a guy using Grant’s material. She concludes with the observation that as much as it stung her personally, most guys were pretty good guys overall, and learning Grant’s material would do them a world of good. Grant closes with an appeal to “date responsibly.”

What does it mean to date responsibly?

Be authentic

Most importantly: be open to the man you really are. If you’re a slimy, shiftless scumbag, dude, there are chicks out there for you! Just be open to it, be authentic! Conversely, if you’re a pretty decent guy, no need to pose like a tough guy. There are chicks out there way tougher than you, and they will puncture your pose like a cheap condom.

Being authentic means aligning your internal perception of yourself with how people perceive you externally. This is easier said than done, because it’s hard to see ourselves as other people see us. One way to achieve this congruency is to hold a clear vision of who you think you are, and act accordingly. For example, if you style yourself after Hef, it would be a good idea to be an outgoing kind of guy who entertains regularly and manages at least some sort of harem.

Leave them better than you found them

Once a man develops some skill women, that is, once he learns to be attractive and form intimate emotional connections with women, he finds that “getting laid” isn’t the issue. The issue is what to do with all the women that want to be in his life. There is a creed in the seduction community attributed to Ross Jeffries: “Leave them better than you found them.” I could write a book on this theme, it’s that important.