Real Modern Man

C_____ (a woman) sent me an interesting question on Facebook a while back: “How to date if you’re used to be married?”

First, being married should NOT preclude dating.

I tell guys that just because they’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to be seduced and go on dates. Then I ask him whether being in a relationship means he doesn’t want anymore blowjobs. That usually gets the point across pretty quick.

Now, you’re single again and have no idea “how to date.”

It’s actually really easy, provided you think about it the right way:

• Be social
• Have fun
• Know exactly what you want

Be social

Dating is an intrinsically social activity. It’s partly about seeing and being seen. If you have developed the habit of hanging around the house being all depressed, snap out of it.

The cool thing about “being social” is that it’s the most “socially acceptable” way to meet people for dating. Signing up for adult education classes, going on weekend outings, joining a singles club… all these are highly approved activities. If you are just coming out of a marriage or other long term relationship, this is an excellent way to start flexing your social muscles again.

In the beginning, it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as your getting out of the house and having fun!

Have fun

Having fun on a date means choosing to find the humor in any situation, no matter how absurd, ridiculous, uncomfortable or awkward.

If you do something stupid, laugh at yourself then forget about it. If you’re laughing and having fun she will have fun too. On the contrary, if you bungle it up and get all insecure about it, you’re going to make her feel insecure as well. Don’t do that.

If she does something accidentally idiotic, it means she is attracted to you. Maybe she parked the care over a storm drain and dropped her keys in it (never, ever park your car over a storm drain). Give her a little sympathy and gently tease her: “Do you always drop your keys down the storm drain when you’re attracted to guys?” Then get a pizza delivered to you right there on the curb while you’re waiting for the tow truck. Give the tow truck driver a slice of pizza too.

Know what you want

For example, men, if you want to date a hot actress, it’s simple: move to Malibu. Just move to Malibu and be normal. That’s really all there is to it.

Women, same advice applies: if there’s no men of your particular type where you live: move.

For both men and women, if you aren’t willing to go for what you really want, then settle and be satisfied with it. Just remember, if you choose to settle, that’s not your partners fault! So don’t take your lack of ambition out on your partner.

Knowing what you want doesn’t mean throwing away meaningful, interesting or emotionally satisfying relationships that aren’t precisely what you’re looking for. Perhaps you’re a woman looking for a long term commitment, and you’re on a date with an attractive player… what do you do? It’s so tempting to go for the moment, but if you have trouble guarding your heart, you need to temper your action. On the other hand, if you’re desperately in need of… satisfaction… right now, that sensitive man across the table with puppy dog eyes is liable to latch on a little too tight.

For you men out there, you go for for what you want. Period. If you want to date around casually, it’s very easy to subcommunicate this to most women… and it’s your measure as a man to stand your ground when pressed. I guarantee that when you firmly, yet pleasantly inform a demanding woman that you prefer to conduct your dating life according to your desire and not hers, your ability with women will take a HUGE jump.

Conversely, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you need to have a very clear picture of what you’re looking for, and make sure that any woman you date sees your picture just as clearly. If you need to write your criteria out on paper and post it to your bathroom mirror, you do that.

And leave it up there.

Don’t worry about any woman that sees it… she’ll get the message loud and clear that you know what you want and you’re taking action, right now. And handling any resulting drama will be good for you.