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10:40 pm
December 15, 2008
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domcc1
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OK OK, I know what you're thinking – cut her loose ASAP!, but hear me out.
Been with this wonderful girl for 1.5 years. She's really a wholesome, old value country girl. I've also been non-commital to her and this has stressed her out. She wants to be the perfect wife with the three kids and the white picket fence.
I'm unsure if *I've* stressed her self out so much that I've driven her to anti-depressants, or if this is something she should be able to deal with herself. I just found out her family has a history of anxiety and related disorders, both her Mum and Dad have been or are on anti-depressants too.
Why am I wondering if it's me? Because this is the second time this has happened.
A past girlfriend (3 years ago) suffered 3 major negative life events which led to her becoming depressed. This was a regular committed relationship. She went on the meds, stopped working and I supported her for 14 months until a very hurtful breakup.
As much as I loved her I decided it she was the one who needed to help herself and I just couldn't keeping living life like this nor could I see the situation improving. I do not want to go through this again.
How do I know if it's me or if its her? I can't help but think this is the start of a slippery slope.
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11:07 pm
December 15, 2008
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David
Moderator
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Yes and no.
No, it's not you. People have problems. Look into her history, you will find what is happening in your relationship with her is a pattern. And will likely continue into her next relationship. There is very little you can do to make her change. You can choose to love her as she is, and understand that at least some of the drama is nothing personal against you. It's just how she is. Whether you have the energy for this is your business.
Yes, it is you. You are attracting these kind of women into your life. This should tell you something about yourself. The good thing here is that YOU can make some decisions to change yourself. If you decide that her emotional needs are more than you are willing to bear, you might think about moving the relationship in a more emotionally productive direction. If you are willing to commit long term, make the changes you need to make in yourself, while insisting she meets your standards. If she cannot, or will not, meet your standard, for both of your sakes let her go.
I hope this helps you out. Difficult situation to be sure.
-dc
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10:45 pm
December 16, 2008
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domcc1
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Fantastic response David. It has been very helpful.
I don't believe she has actually started taking them and she is in a much better mood today. I guess I'll monitor the situation and see how it goes, see if I feel the energy input is worth it. So far it has been, she is amazing and treats me really well.
You're the second person to mention I'm attracting these girls into my life. I've never really figured out what it means or may say about myself – do you have any thoughts? Am I going for the easy option?, am I only attracted to relationships where I 'have the power'? An ego thing?
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10:39 am
December 17, 2008
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David
Moderator
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You are nailing the key points squarely
- Your energy input
- How she treats you.
Focusing on how best to move the relationship forward keeping these two points in mind will allow you to remain dispassionate when required, necessary for effective leadership.
Breaking up is very painful, but if you cannot take the relationship where it needs to go in light of those two points, you do neither of you any favors.
Your other questions are excellent. I can't speak for you, but here is my experience.
Weak women can be difficult to get into relationships with, unless you are their type. Then, it's really hard NOT to get into a relationship with them. They make it easy up front. They can really stroke your ego.
Also, weakness is relative. So-called weak people may also be highly manipulative, because they perceive no other way to achieve their desire.
Power, as you may be finding out, is addictive. If you have an otherwise addictive personality, be careful. Mickey Royale makes a very pertinent statement about power in relationships in The Pimp Game . If you have to have your foot on a woman's neck, you're not going anywhere. If you are in this situation, make sure 1. it's what you want, and 2, it's what she wants (not just needs).
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10:51 pm
March 18, 2009
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domcc1
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Thanks again David. Very helpful and interesting.
I am dealing with a LSE, HD, Good Girl. Very close to a girl I may want to marry, minus the LSE issues.
I'm assuming that the whole HSE/LSE thing is not black and white, and rather a spectrum. She does exhibit some symptoms of LSE, such as shyness/awkwardness in social interactions (meeting new groups), she isn't good at taking compliments and she argues with me (iin front of others at times) when my actions violate what she perceives as socially acceptable. On the flipside, I don't believe she considers herself 'worthless' or bad, nor that she cannot give good things to people nor that sex is bad/dirty. I'm thinking she's on the lower end of the self esteem range, but not rock bottom.
I know modern psychotherapy can only do so much, however, is it possible for these anti-depressents (a bit of self-help) and regular life experience to move her from a LSE to a person of average self esteem? So far they've been great.
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1:51 am
March 19, 2009
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domcc1
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Just thought I'd add some more background info:
I think a few life events have contributed to her LSE.
- She grew up in the country with less social interaction than normal.
- When she was 12 a man exposed himself to her.
- When she was 16 her best friends granddad made sexual advances towards her, causing her to run away crying.
- When she was 17, the father of another family 'professed his love to her', which contributed to his divorce, for that family to no longer be family friends with her family and was part of the reason her family moved into the city.
- Her Dad also suffers from anxeity and self medicates with alcohol (not a full blown alcoholic, and a really nice guy, but still… there is that genetic predisposition).
She's 23, and in the last year I feel she's changed a bit and does have bursts of HSE behaviour, although sometimes she does throw hissy fits etc that you would expect of a 15 year old.
My Dad is currently in a relationship with a LSE woman and it's really sad to have to see him tippy toe around her, and to see his partner get sloshed on alcohol everytime we have a family event before she can feel comfortable. She is also oversenstive, she got upset when I bought an Xmas present for my Dad but not for her, she 'didn't feel part of the family'. I certainly don't want their relationship!!!
I'm about to listen to JWS's latest show, seems like it deals with some of this. So, in essence I'm still seeking advice on my original question, is it possible for a LSE women to become a person of average self esteem via meds and self improvement (by herself and help from me).
Background on me – I feel I've reached an advanced level of skill in this area of life, have had relationships with many women and this girl is the best thing yet. This is why I'm going to this effort to fully understand my situation.
Kind regards,
David Mc (Australia).
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9:05 pm
March 20, 2009
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David
Moderator
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David, I caught there right before I'm about leave for the weekend! I'll get back with you in a couple of days.
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3:40 pm
July 27, 2009
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DAa
New Member
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If you are wondering then you have some work to do in personal growth.
People wonder because they don't know. If you don't know then inquire.
A relationship–aside from the carnal pleasures part of it– is based on communication. You have to ask her if you are making her depressed. She on the other hand has to have the courage not to hurt your feelings if you are and answer what's troubling her.
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