Real Modern Man

Hi,

I am a totally newby in PUA. Basically, I did some progress doing it without any knowledge about it about 22 years ago, when I started (late) dating.

But since then, I enganged in an LTR where, after marriadge & 3 kids, my current partner has zero sexual desire for me. She sees me as a good friend, good father, good provider, but she says she does not feel “butterflies” in her stomach since long, long time.

After I have been “working” as a “nice guy” since 1 year to try to solve it, I am now fed up and want to do it differently.And tells me she wants 1 year of “temporary split” in order to know what her feelings are. As for me, I do really love her.

I have decided to start dating other women, just for the sake of having someone look at me as a men, not as a provider. I have told that to my partner, and she is gone mad.

So, can any of the experts try and help me out of this shit? I would like to reframe my relationship to have a relationship. But if I do not get that, I have no interest in going on with this. No more betaization, for God´s sake!

I would be thankful for a good guidance or tips from the experts. Will give further details if required.

Thanks in advance.

joaki

Joaki,

Some questions for you:

* Are you reading any pickup and seduction material right now?  If so, whose?

* Do you want to keep her or let her go?

At the moment, she is showing you massive disrespect which unfortunately is hurting your bottom line.  The first thing you need to do about it is rebuild your self-respect.   Here is an exercise: look out your window.  Everything you see, men built that.  Not women, men.  This fact alone helped me rebuild my self-respect.

To paraphrase what David said, the year of separation translated from chick-speak really means…

I want to see if I can catch a better lover/provider, but I want to keep you on hand as my lifeboat in case I can't.

The response that you might like to try a few other women was the perfect response.  She is surely sub-communicating that she wants to try out other men.  You can bet she assumed that it would be a one sided deal.  Whatever you do, if she wants her year of separation, accept no deals regarding third party sex.  You can be sure that the no third party sex agreement will only apply to you.

I am in a similar situation.  I have been trying to turn my situation around.  I recommend that you stop chasing her. Do not attempt to imitiate sex, or in any way indicate that you desire sex with her. Don't give her the validation of feeling desired unless she is actually fucking you.  If she initiates sex, proceed, but be ready to stop if she begins to make it difficult, or starts negotiating during sex.  Stop reacting to her emotional outbursts. Do not fight back, leave the area.  If she creates an uncomfortable emotional state, don't do anything to make it better; act like you don't even notice.  Quit rewarding her for bad behavior, hoping she will improve.  Ignore her when she is creating drama or difficulty, reward her when she is behaving the way you prefer.  The more I have done these things, the better my wife's behavior has become.

You have to face the fact that the chances are high this is never going to return to a situation where you and her have a real healthy loving relationship which includes good sex.  You need to have a plan that takes you from where you are now to where you need to be to have a happy enjoyable life.  Make a list of things you want from life and a relationship. Ask yourself if you will be able to achieve these goals with her. 

None of these actions will be easy, but the situation you are in now is not easy to tolerate.

ms

Having a life is the best response.  

Don't “try” to make her jealous.  Just do what you want, and let her get jealous is that's how she feels compelled.   Don't put any energy into interacting with her.

Don't freeze her out, disengage.  Freezing out is manipulation, it's chick, it requires adding energy into the interaction.  Disengaging requires no such commitment like freezing out does  (I have a post coming up on this fpr Oct 2).   Disengaging is not manipulating, it's simply doing something better with your time, regardless of her opinion.  Disengaging allows you to accept her good behavior with equanimity, while freezing out requires you to actively “punish” her bad behavior.  

It's a ludicrous situation she is demanding.  You may do better, if you have the balls, to insist she go out and find other opportunities.  Hey, if she can do better, she should, right?  That's what friends are for.  But in the meantime, you get your game locked on.   She is seriously doing you a favor, even though you may not feel that way right now.    

One thing I hope you can see here is that she absolutely does NOT have YOUR interest at heart.  She only selfishly has her interest in mind.  She is demonstrating this by her behavior, which is unhealthy to your survival as a man.  You have to put your interest first, and simply offer her the opportunity to stay with you.  Or not.  Your mission, her choice.  Pay no attention to her words, she will indicate her choice by her behavior.  If she continues in “going mad” learn to laugh at and ridicule her petulance and ill-humor.  

On the other hand, you do want to be the most attractive man you are capable of being.  And you do want to be with a woman who appreciates an attractive man.  So keep working at it!

I have been in relationships almost continuously since I was divorced many years ago, and I can assure you, as can Joseph and Franco, that the game starts for real once you're in a relationship.  There is no “retire.”  This game is for life.