I am in a similar situation. I have spent the last three years learning about male-female relationships. It has taught me strategies which have improved our home environment a lot, but it is still far from perfect, and I doubt it will ever get to where it is what I desire.
The only thing you can change is your reactions to your wife. You cannot change her. But, by reacting to her in a more diciplined fashion, you can make things at home a lot better.
Stupid fights over nothing: Ignore her, do not apologize, do not react to the uncomfortable situation. Wait it out. Example….
Last night, there are problems with the kid vs a teacher. The kid asks us not to intervene, we'll just make it worse. LSE wife cannot leave it alone. Everything is her fault and her business. Life has to be perfect, or it is perfectly horrible. She wants me to call another parent and ask for advice. I tell her I don't want to. She then says I could find the phone number in school handbook, and starts searching for it. I tell her to stop because I am not going to call and I want her to quit pushing me to do so. She says she is not pushing, and sounds offended that I think so. I tell her she is, and to knock it off. She stomps off to living room.
I finish making my snack and sit down next to her in living room, she ignores me. Obvious cold shoulder. She's mad because I crossed the Great Wifey. After 30 seconds, I get up, go to den, turn on TV, and eat snack.
I can hear her making tea, banging everything around loudly so I know she's upset. Then she runs bath; life is so awful she needs bath & tea to recover from the pain. I ignore this, and when it is time to pick up kid, I put my jacket on and tell her when I'll be back.
When I get back, she is fine.
It used to be that I would have either would have escalated this to a major fight, or just apologized right away for causing trouble, and ended up calling the guy. This way, there was a minimum of hassle and I got my way. Women always win fights; that is why they start them. You have to be willing to live with her making it feel uncomfortable until she gives up. Even if you have to wait till the next day.
Petty Jealousy: She used to get mad about me checking out chicks, or ask questions like this: Superbabe is on TV. She accuses me of thinking she is pretty, then asks, “Do you think I am as pretty as her? You used to tell me I was pretty all the time, & Bla, Bla, Bla.” This used to lead to a maze where all roads led to a fight. One time I said to her, “News Flash! Guys like to check out pretty women. I guess you must not have realized this before.”, and laughed at her.
She got mad, I did not react. It never happened again.
Sex: You may never get good sex from her. She wants proof you desire her for validation, but doesn't want sex with you. If she did, she'd be doing it. She always gets what she wants. Maybe, if you can raise your attraction with her again, she'll want sex, but that may already be damaged beyond repair. At any rate, quit asking. Asking and being turned down is degrading. If she initiates, cool. Do it, if she does not become difficult. Be ready to quit if she makes it difficult.
This can take a long time. You have spent years rewarding bad behavior, it is going to take a while to change things.
Make a list of things you want out of this relationship. Yes, there is give and take, but you have to have parts of your life together that are what you want to do and enjoy, or it is all you giving and her taking. If you are not getting anything you want out of this relationship you are going to have to change it.
If you do not change yourself, you would just end up in the same situation with the next woman, so you might as well improve yourself now. It might not work on her completely, but it will improve things at home, and get you ready to have an adult relationship with some other woman later.
Yes, you should buy Practical Female Psychology, it will give you a guide to modifying your behavior and managing hers.You will still get into fights over stupid stuff, but you need to use them to reshape how you two interact by not letting her acheive her goals via bad behavior.
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