Real Modern Man

C_____ (a woman) sent me an interesting question on Facebook a while back: “How to date if you’re used to be married?”

First, being married should NOT preclude dating.

I tell guys that just because they’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean wife or girlfriend doesn’t want to be seduced and go on dates. Then I ask him whether being in a relationship means he doesn’t want anymore blowjobs. That usually gets the point across pretty quick.

Now, you’re single again and have no idea “how to date.”

It’s actually really easy, provided you think about it the right way:

• Be social
• Have fun
• Know exactly what you want

Be social

Dating is an intrinsically social activity. It’s partly about seeing and being seen. If you have developed the habit of hanging around the house being all depressed, snap out of it.

The cool thing about “being social” is that it’s the most “socially acceptable” way to meet people for dating. Signing up for adult education classes, going on weekend outings, joining a singles club… all these are highly approved activities. If you are just coming out of a marriage or other long term relationship, this is an excellent way to start flexing your social muscles again.

In the beginning, it doesn’t really matter what you’re doing, as long as your getting out of the house and having fun!

Have fun

Having fun on a date means choosing to find the humor in any situation, no matter how absurd, ridiculous, uncomfortable or awkward.

If you do something stupid, laugh at yourself then forget about it. If you’re laughing and having fun she will have fun too. On the contrary, if you bungle it up and get all insecure about it, you’re going to make her feel insecure as well. Don’t do that.

If she does something accidentally idiotic, it means she is attracted to you. Maybe she parked the care over a storm drain and dropped her keys in it (never, ever park your car over a storm drain). Give her a little sympathy and gently tease her: “Do you always drop your keys down the storm drain when you’re attracted to guys?” Then get a pizza delivered to you right there on the curb while you’re waiting for the tow truck. Give the tow truck driver a slice of pizza too.

Know what you want

For example, men, if you want to date a hot actress, it’s simple: move to Malibu. Just move to Malibu and be normal. That’s really all there is to it.

Women, same advice applies: if there’s no men of your particular type where you live: move.

For both men and women, if you aren’t willing to go for what you really want, then settle and be satisfied with it. Just remember, if you choose to settle, that’s not your partners fault! So don’t take your lack of ambition out on your partner.

Knowing what you want doesn’t mean throwing away meaningful, interesting or emotionally satisfying relationships that aren’t precisely what you’re looking for. Perhaps you’re a woman looking for a long term commitment, and you’re on a date with an attractive player… what do you do? It’s so tempting to go for the moment, but if you have trouble guarding your heart, you need to temper your action. On the other hand, if you’re desperately in need of… satisfaction… right now, that sensitive man across the table with puppy dog eyes is liable to latch on a little too tight.

For you men out there, you go for for what you want. Period. If you want to date around casually, it’s very easy to subcommunicate this to most women… and it’s your measure as a man to stand your ground when pressed. I guarantee that when you firmly, yet pleasantly inform a demanding woman that you prefer to conduct your dating life according to your desire and not hers, your ability with women will take a HUGE jump.

Conversely, if you’re looking for a long term relationship, you need to have a very clear picture of what you’re looking for, and make sure that any woman you date sees your picture just as clearly. If you need to write your criteria out on paper and post it to your bathroom mirror, you do that.

And leave it up there.

Don’t worry about any woman that sees it… she’ll get the message loud and clear that you know what you want and you’re taking action, right now. And handling any resulting drama will be good for you.

Beautiful woman on a date is thinking impure thoughts. Did she just see YOU walk in the door?

AUDIO NOW LIVE!!! HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:

• Learn about the Power of Paradox, in every facet of life!
• Learn how to handle the awesome power of words with skill
• Hear how a man can create a “safe container” for a woman
• What is the appropriate level of flirting with other women when you’re in a monogamous relationship
• How Zan and I flirt with women of all shapes, sizes ages
• Find out about masculine intent and why this is such an important trait to women
• The conclusion to don Juan de Castaneda on Power

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 47:07 — 43.2MB)

I seem to be able to spot things in real life that few other people can. This is a skill I’ve acquired via maintaining an intense, childlike curiosity about all facets of life.

Here are some insights from the Showtime TV Series, The Tudors.

In the following scene, Mary Tudor has been forced by her brother, King Henry VIII, to marry the decrepit King of Portugal*. Charles Brandon, among Henry’s best friends and trusted advisors, had been commissioned by his master to deliver Mary safely to the King of Portugal. En route to Portugal by sea, Charles seduces Mary, knowing that she was to be married and that their affair would by necessity be very short lived. Subsequent to the seduction, and on the night before this scene takes place, Mary consummates her marriage to the old King, under great duress. Here, we see clearly that Mary has fallen in love with Charles.

Mary’s feminine perspective is very understandable when we observe Charles’ steady eye contact, total masculine presence, and playful attitude. Charles also shows great impudence by asking permission to dance with Mary, knowing that they recently slept together and he has effectively betrayed both his friend King Henry as well as the King of Portugal.

Please now watch the video clip closely, and note how Mary subcommunicates that Charles’ cocky and funny banter is actually very pleasing to her.

Cocky and Funny

Cocky and Funny has long been known as a powerful seduction technique. The psychological reasons behind this are significant. Cocky behavior displays masculine dominance over a female, which must be preceded by a lack of fear of females. It is understandable that beautiful females are often feared by men and women alike, since females make up one half of the top predator species on planet earth (credit: David Clare). However, feminine persons cannot usually become very sexually aroused, nor can they feel safe with, men who are terrified of them. So a certain cockiness demonstrates a man’s lack of fear quite effectively.

The Funny part of Cocky and Funny is also necessary for maximum effect. The humor subcommunicates that – although the man is dominant over the woman – he is acting in such a manner as to consider her as an ally, with her feminine pleasure in mind.

If a man comes across as too Cocky, then he has complete disregard for the female, she cannot feel safe with such a man. And if she has high self esteem, she will demonstrate this by withdrawing from the man.

If a man comes across as too Funny, then he reveals his fear of women and his ass-kissing nature. He is in the role of court jester: perhaps somewhat entertaining in specific doses, but far beneath the King, or a real seducer like Charles Brandon, when it comes to winning the ladies’ affections.

The finish to this scene is wonderful, when Mary leans in and asserts that Charles’ teasing is proof of his great affection for her. Yes, his entire demeanor is arousing to her and demonstrates his desire for her in a powerful way. He not only desires to possess her body, but he is having visible effects on her heart and mind as well. The old but wise King of Portugal certainly reads the subcommunication here with crystal clarity. Do you?

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*footnote: According to Wikipedia, the producers of this TV series took great liberties with Mary Tudor’s character. According to Wikipedia:

The drama series The Tudors portrays Mary and Charles’s relationship, though the character is named Princess Margaret, and is a composite of Mary and her sister Margaret Tudor, portrayed by Gabrielle Anwar. Charles Brandon is portrayed by Henry Cavill. Many liberties have been taken with the story. For example, in the television series, Henry arranges his sister’s marriage with the aged King of Portugal, not of France, in the late 1520s. Margaret/Mary then kills her husband. Another fictitious sub-plot has Henry making Charles Brandon Duke of Suffolk so the latter would be of appropriate rank to give away Henry’s sister at her supposed wedding to the King of Portugal. In the story, the Tudor/Brandon marriage soon cools and no mention is made of their three children. Yet another discontinuity relates to Henry’s sister dying before Wolsey (who died in 1530).

AUDIO NOW LIVE!!! HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:

• The secrets of Seductive Neurochemistry, revealed!
• A business tip for the recession: how you can offer the same level of service to your customers while cutting costs at the same time
• Learn how men and women get sexually aroused differently from each other
• Find out things you can do immediately, today, to make women start to rate you as more physically attractive
• Learn the two, crucial keys to profitable decision making in life
• Learn about how your diet can affect your spiritual, emotional and physical bodies in very powerful and insidious ways
• Hear about the absolute joy of life that can come through meditation practice
• You cannot change a person, but you can change how they interact with you. Find out how, right now!
• When should a woman finally dump a man? Here’s how she can find out what do to!
• The First Enemy of Knowledge is Fear, the second enemy is Clarity. Find out the Third Enemy to becoming a Man of Knowledge!

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A woman once told me:

“My type of guy is tall, dark and handsome, and has good taste in shoes. Unless I’m in love. Then all bets are off.”

A certain set of women will insist that if man needs to know about women, all he needs to do is ask a woman.

In general, this is bull.

Very, very few women are going to spill the beans on their seduction keys. And most women have them. Most women have some certain narrow set of criteria that makes them absolutely weak in the knees, totally vulnerable to being swept off their feet.

Why should they tell you this?

They shouldn’t.

It’s part of the mystery.

See, you can know everything there is to know about body language, courtship and seduction, social dynamics and female psychology, but none of your knowledge in general tells you anything specific about the woman facing you across the table. To learn about her, you have to be with her. Sure, your knowledge helps, and the more the better to be sure, but you as a man still have to discover her, personally, as a woman.

General knowledge about seduction does not, cannot, replace specific experience with a real, live, breathing and feeling woman by your side. (This is part of why “pick up lines” don’t work in general.)

And this is where the mystery really lives: all the “knowledge” you have about seduction, dating, courtship is nothing compared to unlocking the mystery of the woman in front of you. She will be unique. Your knowledge simply helps you discover who she is.

Now, don’t get me wrong here… some women (not all) will tell you, in detail, exactly how to court them. Other women will give you broad hints (which they consider exact details). But courtship is total supplication of the male to the female. He sells his qualities, she chooses to buy or not. The choice for the interaction… is hers and hers alone. This is something you should remember as a man if you find yourself courting a woman: make sure you’re courting the right woman. You might catch her!

However, a women will tell you her courtship details only under one of two conditions:

1. She is attracted to you anyway.
2. She wants something from you.

If she doesn’t want you courting her… she will tell you with a great degree of conviction to “Just be yourself.” Which —strangely enough — is the only advice you really need, but being yourself is much easier said than done.

Also, as I plan to discuss in an upcoming article, many women don’t really know that much more about dating than men do… but society forces them into a more passive role, taking or leaving rather than “getting.” So a woman might not really know what she wants… but she’ll know what she likes when she feels it!

An interesting article on Race Depriest (from The Art of Charm) written by Diana Spechler just showed up on Nerve. Here’s a snippet from the last paragraph or so:

“But simultaneously, I’m starting to think there’s a down side to cracking the mystery of social dynamics, to reading body language as easily as other people read the word “EXIT,” glowing red in the dark of a public building. You watch someone talk and know when she’s lying; you watch someone move and know what she’s thinking. If you have a Rosetta Stone for every interaction, you can never again think, This is magical, or, I’m falling so hard, or, Only you can make me feel this way. And without those sensations, without the willingness to relinquish control, without the belief (no matter how juvenile) that chemistry is partly magic, how can you ever fall in love? How can you lose yourself in a moment?” From the Nerve article No More Games by Diana Spechler

These kinds of articles were dense the year after Neil Strauss published “The Game” (which I haven’t yet read by the way).

The subtext to all of them is “Oh my God! These guys are on to us! *Panic* But they’re all creeps! They have to be creeps.” Yeah, whatever.

But the piece itself is very good. The author, Diana Spechler, is brutally honest with herself and with us, her readers, and that’s very refreshing.

Seriously, her worries shouldn’t be an issue. I understand her point of view and her concern, and I hope she gets curious enough to dig a lot deeper. She will find that the true magic of seduction is that the “knowing” about seduction doesn’t reduce the pleasure, either when seducing… or being seduced. It enhances it. Really.

Your knowledge will enhance your pleasure.

Read Zig Ziglar “Secrets of Closing the Sale” to get an appreciation from an astounding salesman… who *loved* to be sold! Yep. A man who knew as much about selling as any man alive, and who throughly appreciated being sold.

Here’s a related example. As you know, Joseph, Franco and I assert that manipulation is a normal and natural behavior for many women, and that we believe there’s good manipulation and bad manipulation (Chapter 13). Once you as a man truly understand “good” manipulation, you will develop a sincere appreciation for this most feminine of arts. Instead of resenting being manipulated, you are free to exercise your choice to accept it or lead her in a different direction.

Ok, gotta go… my girl DZ has finagled me into hanging out for dim sum with her mom at Macau Cafe (Pacific East Mall). Not a problem, I have the rest of her day planned out for my own semi-nefarious purposes.

I subscribe to a fair number of seduction newsletters, some of which I occasionally read. One morning’s newsletter from Grant Adams of “Net2Bed” opens with an email from a woman describing how she got “played” by a guy using Grant’s material. She concludes with the observation that as much as it stung her personally, most guys were pretty good guys overall, and learning Grant’s material would do them a world of good. Grant closes with an appeal to “date responsibly.”

What does it mean to date responsibly?

Be authentic

Most importantly: be open to the man you really are. If you’re a slimy, shiftless scumbag, dude, there are chicks out there for you! Just be open to it, be authentic! Conversely, if you’re a pretty decent guy, no need to pose like a tough guy. There are chicks out there way tougher than you, and they will puncture your pose like a cheap condom.

Being authentic means aligning your internal perception of yourself with how people perceive you externally. This is easier said than done, because it’s hard to see ourselves as other people see us. One way to achieve this congruency is to hold a clear vision of who you think you are, and act accordingly. For example, if you style yourself after Hef, it would be a good idea to be an outgoing kind of guy who entertains regularly and manages at least some sort of harem.

Leave them better than you found them

Once a man develops some skill women, that is, once he learns to be attractive and form intimate emotional connections with women, he finds that “getting laid” isn’t the issue. The issue is what to do with all the women that want to be in his life. There is a creed in the seduction community attributed to Ross Jeffries: “Leave them better than you found them.” I could write a book on this theme, it’s that important.

This beautiful woman is really enjoying being chased around the spring fields by you. Should you move in for the kiss?

I am really excited about today’s show. Today I frankly discuss sensitive topics such as fidelity, cheating, commitment, and becoming a man of knowledge. I’ve always been fascinated with learning, ever since I was a little boy. I am a jack of all trades and know a good amount about a lot of diverse topics. At the age of 34, after a divorce and yet another failed romantic relationship, I realized that although I had always been fascinated by women, I knew absolutely nothing about them. My father was an astute businessman and popular with his peers, and yet right up until his death in 1998 he would continuously complain about his wife (my stepmom). I could never understand why he chose to stay with a woman who he claimed made him so miserable. Finally, in late 2003, I started on my journey to find out all the answers. This show is about what I’ve learned from hard-won experience and from many other wise men and women. 

AUDIO NOW LIVE!!! HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:

• Learn exactly when and how you should pay for things on dates with women
• How can you decide if marriage or commitment is right for you, as a man? 
• Learn the real-life skills you must learn, in advance, in order to be an attractive lover, boyfriend, husband or father
• Learn how to choose the right wife!
• Does making a commitment mean you are never allowed to break it? Find out the truth!
• Is your girlfriend cheating? I tell you exactly what you need to know
• Learn the number one mistake men make when responding to a woman’s demands for commitment
• An interesting article on Race Depriest from The Art of Charm
• The first enemy of knowledge is Fear, which we discussed on the last show. The second enemy is Clarity

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 31:51 — 29.2MB)