Why Asking Women About Dating Doesn’t Work
A woman once told me:
“My type of guy is tall, dark and handsome, and has good taste in shoes. Unless I’m in love. Then all bets are off.”
A certain set of women will insist that if man needs to know about women, all he needs to do is ask a woman.
In general, this is bull.
Very, very few women are going to spill the beans on their seduction keys. And most women have them. Most women have some certain narrow set of criteria that makes them absolutely weak in the knees, totally vulnerable to being swept off their feet.
Why should they tell you this?
They shouldn’t.
It’s part of the mystery.
See, you can know everything there is to know about body language, courtship and seduction, social dynamics and female psychology, but none of your knowledge in general tells you anything specific about the woman facing you across the table. To learn about her, you have to be with her. Sure, your knowledge helps, and the more the better to be sure, but you as a man still have to discover her, personally, as a woman.
General knowledge about seduction does not, cannot, replace specific experience with a real, live, breathing and feeling woman by your side. (This is part of why “pick up lines” don’t work in general.)
And this is where the mystery really lives: all the “knowledge” you have about seduction, dating, courtship is nothing compared to unlocking the mystery of the woman in front of you. She will be unique. Your knowledge simply helps you discover who she is.
Now, don’t get me wrong here… some women (not all) will tell you, in detail, exactly how to court them. Other women will give you broad hints (which they consider exact details). But courtship is total supplication of the male to the female. He sells his qualities, she chooses to buy or not. The choice for the interaction… is hers and hers alone. This is something you should remember as a man if you find yourself courting a woman: make sure you’re courting the right woman. You might catch her!
However, a women will tell you her courtship details only under one of two conditions:
- She is attracted to you anyway.
- She wants something from you.
If she doesn’t want you courting her… she will tell you with a great degree of conviction to “Just be yourself.” Which —strangely enough — is the only advice you really need, but being yourself is much easier said than done.
Also, as I plan to discuss in an upcoming article, many women don’t really know that much more about dating than men do… but society forces them into a more passive role, taking or leaving rather than “getting.” So a woman might not really know what she wants… but she’ll know what she likes when she feels it!
4 Responses to 'Why Asking Women About Dating Doesn’t Work'
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Hi David. A big thanks to your site, topics, and to Joseph’s podcasts.
About this post here, “Why asking women…”, I question the assumption in the post that women consciously KNOW their seduction keys and are able to share them. Certainly they know a few of them–but the ones they’re aware of are merely the ones they’re most conscious of. There exist many more–perhaps the most powerful ones–somewhere beneath the conscious surface. It’s less the case that the woman is holding back some grand knowledge from her man–until she’s attracted to him or wants something in return. Rather, I doubt if she can even articulate many of these keys to herself, let alone to the man in her life.
A good example is the shit test. For most women and situations, the criteria for successfully passing the shit test are largely unconscious. Woman are unable to articulate something such as, “I’m attracted to a man who can deftly navigate the double-bind scenarios that I throw at him. This is best done by him teasing me or otherwise not taking me and my shit test seriously”. Rather, when a woman likely senses herself in an unsure situation with a man, she instinctively blurts out the shit test. The man’s reaction then triggers an attraction switch. Either she feels increased attraction after his response (he passed) or she feels a bit less interest (he failed). I doubt she’s able to cogently point-out the why’s and how’s of his passing or failing.
I’m not saying we’re all unconscious, behavioralism automatons. Rather, there are simply many keys to female attraction that most women (and men) are unable to articulate on their own. …It’s only thanks to your writings that I myself am even a bit more aware of them!
Keep up the good work!!
mcmc
1 Jun 09 at 12:30 pm
mcmc,
You are absolutely correct in your assessment: most women do NOT know exactly “what they want,” which is whole ‘nother conversation I opened in the last line!
So asking them is doubly unfair: 1. why should they give up the keys to the kingdom for free, and 2. if they don’t really know, then they might feel “bad” in some way for not knowing.
When you readjust yourself to see woman as true partner and equal, there is no need to ask anyway. It’s not something that will even cross your mind.
I could go deep here. Inappropriate for public forum.
David
1 Jun 09 at 7:47 pm
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